Empathy

After Brick was diagnosed, Brock's similarity to Brick implied that Brock is or was at some time on the Autism spectrum. Brock's mom said that as a teenager, Brock thought he might have Asperger's.

My reaction to every new thing is to learn everything I can about it. So I took to the internet and started googling. The things that come up over and over -- "lack of empathy" "impaired empathy". I freaked.

Empathy and compassion are the virtues I prize above all others. How could I have married a man that was physically incapable of feeling these things? How could I stay married to a man that could not engage with my feelings?

Fortunately, Internet Serendipity brought me to the page of Carrie Cooling, a mom with Asperger's. In her post about empathy, Carrie reassured me that people with Asperger's do feel empathy, possibly more intensely than NT people. She says that she can easily be drawn into the other's emotional state and become overwhelmed, so to combat this, she responds to other's emotions in a very factual way.

In her, I easily saw Brock. One of the reasons why Brock chose me as a mate may be because I come from a culture that is traditionally known for stoicism -- we tend to have a fairly flat affect and don't show emotion very intensely. I don't get upset very often, but when I do, Brock's response is to become Robo-Brock. He presents the facts; he looks for action items; he wants to fix. I want emotional engagement and Robo-Brock does nothing except for upset me more. I completely lose it, then Brock completely loses it, we're both miserable and nothing is accomplished. Currently, our tactic is to avoid strong emotion of any kind, but this is not tenable. Intimate relationships require the ability to connect on an emotional level.

This is really the crux of all of our previous marital problems and definitely a work in progress.

Being reassured that Brock does feel empathy has helped. We've only had one incident of Upset Trixie since we figured out the Aspie thing. During this I said out loud, "I know that you have empathy, and I understand that you are having a hard time showing it right now." This was as much to reassure myself as it was to let Brock know I understand him. It's a baby-step, but I think we're going in the right direction.

Flowers for Priscilla

Elvis created a routine making sure Priscilla
always has fresh flowers.

My friends Priscilla and Elvis are also NT-Aspie couple. In addition to being a brilliant Aspie, Elvis is also an addict (no word about fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches). Despite adding the challenge substance abuse to a  neurodiverse marriage, their marriage is working swimmingly. I asked  Priscilla why things are going so well.

"It's because of my previous marriage," says  Priscilla . She married young and divorced young. This experience caused a major growth in character.

"I realize now that people come whole, not in slices."  Priscilla  accepts completely both the good things about Elvis and the challenges.

"I'm also more focused on results than process." To illustrate this, she gives the example of flowers.

"When we first started dating, I told Elvis I really liked fresh flowers. He bought me flowers and then every time they die, he replaces them with fresh ones. Before I would have gotten hung up on the routine -- because they weren't a spontaneous gift I wouldn't accept them as a symbol of love. But now I'm just happy I get flowers. Results!"

I need to change my thinking about Brock. I'm coming to the realization that it is unfair to ascribe the thought process of an NT man to an Aspie man. I would love to get "I love you" texts from Brock during the day so I would know he was thinking about me. But Brock would never think to do this spontaneously, it would have to be routine. But the routine would diminish the meaning... This is the wrong thinking. I have to understand that just because something is routine doesn't make it less loving. In fact, creating a routine that only benefits the partner may be the way that an Aspie man shows his love.